Thursday, February 27, 2014

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

First Date Review

My date on Friday was pretty bloody great! I was full of nerves when I left work, I'm not generally a nervous person, so that was irritating. I arrived at Seven Sisters station and then stacked it on the escalator, spilling the contents of my bag up them (I nearly lost my mega sexy M&S granny pants also, luckily they stayed put in my broken bag), for some reason this stupid accident made me feel much better and all my nerves evaporated.

I ended up running five minutes late and received a text from 'Spazzy Jeff' (username only) saying that he was there and by the condiments, in my typical fantasy world, I assumed that meant the pub was set out in the style of a shop (yep, because that makes complete sense?! I really do wonder about myself at times). My main worry was how do you greet a stranger who you've been talking to, luckily he had this all in hand and that instantly made me feel better. Although, the first thing I did after meeting him was go to the lavatory, when I came out I asked him "did you get worried that I'd climb out the lavatory window?", way to make a guy feel comfortable...I obviously know all of the best tricks.

It was all rather easy, after the initial awkward chit chat and first couple of drinks. He picked a pretty good pub, the 6 nations were showing, funnily enough it was his team, Wales, who were playing, what are the chances?! It was a good game and half way through he planted me with a big old smacker. In typical verbal diarrhoea fashion, post kiss I blurted out 'I thought you'd be a soft touch and not kiss me for ages'. After this it was rather plain sailing...we even discussed the 1001 things not to mention on a first date, always a good sign that you're on a similar wavelength.

We had a few more drinks, SP suggested we moved on, I got us off at the wrong bus stop and we walked around the back of Farringdon/Angel for a while (this didn't seem to bother him, which I liked, although he might have been playing it very cool and was fuming inside, if so, he is a very good actor). We finally found the road we were looking for and popped into a pub (that I've walked past numerous times and never visited) and had a proper banter session, I won't say about what, it was extremely crude and very funny.

After this, we went to a late bar and had some more banter, conversations and drinks. SP suggested that we head to where he originally wanted to take me (before I got us lost) and I suggested that due to it being rather late, we could walk around the city, which we did. We ended up south of the river and I wanted to know everything he's ever thought and felt. Needless to say that our date turned into brunch. I know, you're not supposed to emerge yourself in someone so quickly but we just seemed to click and I didn't want to go home.

We had a second date on Sunday evening in Greenwich, I got to see some of Greenwich, as I got off at the wrong stop, doh! and I also got to see the Cutty Sark, it's only taken me nearly three years to get anywhere near both places.

SP took me to Up the Creek Comedy Club in Greenwich. It was a fantastic evening, with some brilliant comedians. The highlights were the compare, who was rather quick witted. The first guy who was from Granada and was upset that Granada isn't known for anything cool, just Nutmeg; he wants to become the Nutmeg King. This was very funny and I'm explaining it abominably! A girl who's act was a hyper chatty hairdresser and a vegan comedian who said that all phrases were generally biased against all vegans, as most of them are about harming animals, leaving vegans with only "You can't make an Omelette!".

All in all, a blinding weekend.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Random Almond

There was a huge almond on the seat next to me tonight, it was mammoth. I wondered if someone was afraid to eat it due to its size and left it behind. They didn’t even leave a note – the poor thing. It was suggested to me that I should have taken it home to plant…I don’t think Hackney council would be happy with that. But what if it was a bean (disguised as an almond) and now I’ll never get to climb the stalk to the castle?! Although this is probably a good thing, as I’m afraid of heights and have poor upper body strength.

You win some, you lose some!

Thursday, February 20, 2014

First Date Fear

I have had the arduous task of reformatting a spreadsheet of over 2000 entries over the last few weeks at work. I've been listening to the eight hour biography of Johnny Cash while doing this, it's been good company, other than the first 20 minutes which spoke of June Carter's death, which caused my eyes to flood, which meant I was unable to see the screen properly to format correctly - curse you, you silly real life story and my achilles heel of crying as soon as death is mentioned, grr!

It ended today with Johnny's sad demise and death, this also caused numerous tears, god damn I am weak! Yep, more tears were shed! I remember the first time I heard 'American Recording IV', I'd been at Courtyard for a few years and we'd received it from Island Def Jam through the post. Bryce and I went up to the living room for some time out and upon first listening, as soon as Johnny opened with 'Bridge over trouble water', Bryce and I had had our fill. Who knew that a few months later, we'd be playing it on repeat?! Hence the classic, "don't judge a book by it's cover" and "don't let first impressions cloud your judgement", which are both so much easier said than done...

This entire tedious intro leads me to my main purpose for writing this evening...I'm filled with a mix of emotions, most are exciting and crazy immature balls of energy, but others are nervous bubbles of gas, which could and most probably will burst out of me at the wrong time, causing some strange noises to occur from my mouth...arhjbgbiejgn riogkregnegm! For an example!

I have my first proper date tomorrow evening. It's the first since, oh God knows?! Umm, 2009? Possibly Summer 2009. OK so it's not extra long ago, but it's long enough to have forgotten and therefore be filled with dread about a first date. All I can remember is how awful all of my previous first dates have been, I keep on trying to remind myself that it's just drinks with a future friend/future stranger, but then the excitement bubbles and all turns to shit. The main reason for my fear is that, and I know I shouldn't and deep down I don't but I feel that possibly I should do so, I'm listening to other people's fears. FOOL! I know, I know! I try my best to ignore them, I always have, ever since some bitch told me at the age of 11 that I'd forgotten to put something on, in the changing rooms and I retorted "What? My bra? Why would I wear one, when I've nothing to hold in place?!", she then exclaimed loudly that I was obviously a freak - I think we all know who was the real freak!

I've done my best to be me via messages and I feel that we have good rapport, or possible good rapport but those with weak dispositions have started to imply that his banter may not be as good and as lively as mine in person and therefore the date could be frightful. I stifled the concern for long enough but I've now allowed it to consume me....follow that with random 'far too comfortable' texts from me about 'coats made of the skin from my previous dating website counterparts' and 'dead family hunting trophies' and I think if he does turn up, he may be clinically insane. Fuck!

Damn you insecure, extra weary, lovely but foolish people who I love! Damn you all! Why couldn't I just carry on living in my mad, wonderfully Disney world where we wacky people find our own kin through the strangest of circumstances and just get on.

Maybe, he is, as I keep on reaffirming to myself and others, a casual guy who doesn't sit on his phone and is that laid back (unlike a certain person I know, where you would have thought his phone was an extra limb of his) and he just responds when he sees it, rather than waiting and instantly texting back. Therefore he is banterous and a good time, it just appears rather staggered through the medium of text. Yes, this is my sunny disposition clinging to hope and god damn, I'm going to cling to that fine fine strand.

I guess, the worst thing is that within 24 hours, I will know and what will I have lost?! An evening where I would have been sat at home, instead I'll be sat in the pub with a stranger. This is as bad as it can get and that is what I need to remember. No date will ever be as bad as sitting in 'The Duke' in Oxford on a Sunday afternoon stuck talking to a perfectly pleasant but dull middle age man about the same topics of conversation which we had covered the day before and this is what I need to remember. I've already talked to the most boring people I've ever met. Nothing that this guy says or does will be as random as I've seen or heard before, unless he takes off his sock and sucks his toes in the pub, that would be pretty random...and if he is just actually that boring, then I've a new story to tell to current and future friends.

Yes, I may be tempting fate but fate, I tempt you. You've always been rather kind to me, so I implore to you, please be kind once again. Until this time tomorrow, Adieu!

In the mean time, have a little cry to Johnny's last video:

Dear Old Granny, Died 15th January 2013, Mounted 15th March 2013

Rudi, my office's Roe Deer
This morning, I was thinking about the mounting of dead animals on walls as trophies, which is a rather odd thing to do. I was then thinking about whether you could do a similar thing with human skin, as we do with animal hides bearing in mind they are both living organisms, therefore being able to do it with one and not the other seems rather odd. This led me to think about Gunther von Hagens (aptly nicknamed Dr. Frankenstein) and how he’s developed the art of preserving human tissue by plastination. Therefore, one day, mounting your dear old granny on the wall could be a possibility.
Although, the main difference between mounting an animal hide and a human would vary, due to the fact that creating the mould for animals is relatively simple, as even if it’s not exact it still looks like an animal. Even really bad taxidermy has it’s charm...even if they don’t look exactly like the original animals (I’m finding it hard to stifle the laughter and keeping a straight face as I type)?!. 

The perfect Coat Stand?
How hard would it be to make the mould for dear old granny, bearing in mind that every face has a 1000+ different feaures and points which make them so individual and if we did start to mount family members on the wall, would there be a heriarchy of good to bad taxidermy and would poorer families accept piss poor versions of their dearly departed?! Or could we get them posed and they could become handy items of furniture around the house?

Also, would the mould need to have a softness about it, or due to the plastination would it be hard and would this also detract from the initial facial features, etc.?

Maybe I need to write to Gunther...I think answers are required.

Tangent Time: I went to see Body Works when it was in Brick Lane years ago with my Mum and once I had gotten over the initial shock of it (which was set off by one of the slices of human having a tattoo, which brought back the fact that they once had reletives, lives, thought and movement), I found it fascinating and wanted to go back around again. I definitely recommend it to all who are mildly interested in biology and the human body.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Accidental Chocolate Brownie / Tart

One evening I was making Chocolate Brownie for a dinner party, that I was going attending, and realised at an extremely late moment that I'd run out of Caster Sugar, so I added extra chocolate instead. It didn't cook properly due to the consistency being too wet but it did make the most delicious chocolate brownie tart thing. 
Due to the London Tube Strike, I was unable to come home to collect it for my dinner party, so I took it to work the next day and it's now a firm favourite with my colleagues, although I'm not sure if it's a firm favourite with their waist lines. Try it, trust me it's scrumptious!

100g (4oz) Unsalted Butter
300g (12oz) Dark Chocolate

100g (4oz) Plain Flour
100g (4oz) Caster Siugar
2 Medium Eggs
1 tsp. Baking Powder
1 tsp. Vanilla Essence

Melt the butter and chocolate together.
Mix the remaining ingredients together.
Add the melted butter and chocolate to the remaining mixture.

Place the mixture in a greased dish and pop into a pre-heated oven for 30-35 minutes at approximately 200c / Gas Mark 5.

Take the chocolate brownie/tart out when the mixture is still kind of moist / wet in the middle and leave to cool.

Once cool, cut and serve with Vanilla Ice Cream or Clotted Cream.


Monday, February 10, 2014

3D Letters

I made this for a friend's birthday, it is made from 6 layers of foam board, stuck together, then covered in newspaper and PVA glue.

I laid the material on with double sided sticky tape, to ensure that I could reposition if need be and to ensure that the fabric wasn't ruined with glue.

Friday, February 07, 2014

Where will the craziness end?

Confession time. I have now joined 'Plenty of Fish'. I’ve done it, I’ve joined an online dating website. I swore when I became single last summer that the one thing I would never, ever, ever do was join a dating website. I swore blind, while sober/while drunk that I couldn't even comprehend the possibility of joining something that only "desperate people" turn to and look at me eating my words by the ladle!  And worse still, glup, I’m enjoying it! Oh the humanity!!!

After playing with Tinder for a couple of weeks, I’ve gotten bored of not really being able to see anything about the guys, not knowing what they do, like, think, etc.. Now don’t get me wrong, playing ‘hot or not’ will never get old but being someone who is all about personality and loves a good laugh, I need to ensure that these suitors have a sense of humour, some intellect, the ability to string a sentence together and use basic grammar, etc.. It even appears that some of them are lacking basic life skills: the ability to maintain a conversation, sensing written inflections (ok, I’ll allow that this is hard to pick up on when two dimensional but come on...). These are things that I cling to in everyday life, the blood and soul of basic human interaction. I guess maybe my big problem is that I'm a very physical person; I'm very verbal and expressive and like to be able to see and hear how and what people are saying. Obviously, I'm a master with words, can't you tell?! But my one love is conversing with others when the communication just flows and is natural. Small talk and forced conversations are the worst!
So, Plenty of Fish, how is it treating me? I joined on Wednesday evening with help from Rupert, who has previously been on there and he has given me some male pointers. But Rupert struggles to express himself through the written word and as we know, I do not, so some logger heads were met. I think I've summed myself up pretty well...I've added a disclaimer, well if all else fails, add a disclaimer, that is what they say isn't it?!
Last night, I had a little peruse and messaged a couple of guys. Just as I was about to log off, I spotted a nice looking chap, so I messaged him and happened to use the word 'diarrhoea', I was trying to explain my verbal dysentery when I feel awkward but in doing so, I also raised a not so pleasant image. Well if nothing more, at least I will be memorable.