Dearest Apple, you really are a bunch of imbeciles!
I thought it was bad enough when you decided you were bigger than the government who you don't pay taxes too...however, this is a whole new level of moronic programming.
You replaced my screen in April, as I dropped my phone and smashed it, I sat at the "genius bar" for over an hour, even though I had a scheduled appointment...it was eventually dealt with and off I went again with my newly fixed phone and £100 lighter!
However, last weekend my phone screen decided to become intermittently unresponsive just before I took a long journey, "great, I thought, this is handy being in the wilderness and not having a phone to rely on as I drive around but you know, we all coped up until the invention of car and mobile phones, so I can walk to the SOS phones which line the motorways and dual carriageways of Britain. No biggy!".
I finally reach my next destination and thought I'll hard reset my phone to see if it's a temporary blip. It wasn't, so I decided to book in to the "genius bar" for when I returned to London next week...however, when reporting to the Apple Store booking form that my phone was unresponsive and I wanted an appointment, the only way to confirm the appointment was to type in a verification code, however my phone was unresponsive and I couldn't input my code to unlock the phone, so couldn't see any text messages coming in. Which is pretty dumb. I wrote a sarcastic comment on Facebook about it and hoped my phone would eventually wake up and do what it's supposed too. It did, thankfully, however by that time I remembered that there is no point in booking an appointment, as I'll be waiting around for over an hour anyway...
Then this evening, back in London, I felt that I should do a complete reset of the unit, in case it is software issue, not a hardware issue. I had my partner's trusty Macbook to hand. Why his and not mine? As you've made my First Generation Macbook (still going strong and with plenty of capability), obsolete, as it's too old and therefore you're hoping that I'll buy a new one from you (fyi, I won't. And I'm really stuck between a rock and a hard place, as I hate Microsoft and you the same amount now-a-days, and don't think either of you deserve my hard earned money).
So, here I am computer up and running, and I realise that it's probably going to be better if I recover my phone contents from my iCloud, as that is why it's is there and you constantly sent irritating 'too full' messages in regards to it. So off I go (by the way, this is what it looks like to reset a phone from iCloud without other 'devices' to hand):
Hello - swipe right to reset <swiped right>
Country? <The kind of great but not as great as it was GB, but didn't we do good at the Olympics>
Setup a code? <ok, code entered>
Wifi? <yes, I have wifi. I know, I am big and clever. I dress myself everyday without help too>
Restore options <from iCloud please>
iCloud Sign in <easy and done>
Enter verification code that we've sent to your device, which you're setting up and can not access until the set up is complete. <What the Hell!>
Did not get a verification code? <of course I didn't, you Idiot!>
Code options? <cannot use this number>
Enter all your details in and give us another mobile phone number for us to send a code to? <ok, done, done, done, entered code, back to iCloud sign in, click 'next', enter code sent to your trusted device which you are trying to set up currently...OH! Very helpful Apple! Also, it states that the Account Recovery process will be sent to my trusted device, which I am trying to setup currently...this isn't irritating at all and I do not want to currently pick up every device with an Apple logo on it and throw them at walls, honest> GAME OVER
I have tried since to use my partners phone, but low and behold his is locked to a separate network, as the phone networks are as tight as every bloody company afraid of healthy competition.
Then "lightbulb moment", login to my iCloud account and change my number. Nope, as my iCloud account is now locked until my verification code has been entered...so.......
Fine, I shall back up from iTunes to a back up from February and then I will lose 7 months worth of back up, as my phone will update my iCloud and delete everything since February: GREAT!!!
Then I think, 'Apple can not be that stupid, surely, it must be me', maybe I can get a phone call with the code, even though I have not setup my phone properly...yes, I can, oh my golly this is great. Oh no, what's that Apple my iCloud has no back ups and I need to back up from iTunes (February) or setup as a new phone. Maybe, it's because my iCloud account is locked, so I unlock it and try again. Oh no, that's right, I have no iCloud back up what so ever, even though before I started this godly awful process, my phone told me it was backing up to iCloud and up to date - cheers technology!
Now, I am stuck living in February 2016, on the upside the scourge of 2016 hasn't started yet; Bowie is still dead but this seems to be the worse thing to have happened this year so far.
30 minutes later...
In fact, iTunes has loaded my partner's phone backup and won't let me do anything on my handset without putting in his Apple password, which means I'm not living in February 2016, I'm living as though I've never had an iPhone...I think I joined on generation three. That shows me for sticking with one bunch of arseholes, over others for the last ten years or so!
Now I'm trying to sign in to my Apple account within iTunes to see if my profile will setup from it (yep, clutching at straws) and your demanding that I enter a verification code which you haven't sent! This is beyond a joke. I just want a phone which works and does what it is supposed to, how is that SO hard? Also, isn't it my choice if I want a slow computer: none of this bollocks happened when I could regularly back up to my computer, but no, my iPhone won't see my Macbook, you "Mary Poppins 'penny pinching' bunch of bankers"!!!
I'm officially sobbing over the most stupid of things, as you've broken me! I am sobbing that my entire communicational existence (yep, pathetic I know) has just gone in the blink of an eye. This is ridiculous! I want to crawl out of my sobbing body as I hate myself for being like this but you've worn me down, I can't take it anymore...I feel disgusted with myself but I'm too exhausted to care...I just want this endless situation resolved and a phone which works (I was trying to help, as if this screen issue persists, you'll ask me irritating questions like 'have you restored your phone?', 'have you performed a hard reset?' 'have you called your Mum today?').
Therefore, in my final statement of the most emotionally challenging restore of a device known to man: I have reset my phone as new and loaded my iCloud, which had most things other than the last week, and any text messages (all of my messages of the last decade have gone), as have my notes (inclusive of my potential wedding vows, oops) but I feel that it is cleansing, for when I move away from Apple I wouldn't be able to keep them anyway...it has actually helped. Really it has. Therefore, thank you Apple for helping make my future transistion away from you much easier.
24 hours later...
And my screen has become unresponsive again. At least I can now tell the 'Genius Bar' that it's not software related. Although, I still have to visit the bloody place, great!