Wednesday, January 06, 2016

Depressed, me?! Maybe...

I have a lot to write about, over the last three months...however I'd like to be self indulgent and talk all about how I feel: me, me, me!

Excitedly a lot of my friends and family are expecting babies during the first two months of this year, some of which are first time parents and I'm over the moon for them, however I also keep on bursting into tears sporadically, 'over the moon for them'  indeed!

I think one of the biggest issues is that I haven't actually completely dealt with my grief attributed to my previous experiences, additionally not being able to attain one of the things I've ever wanted from a young age, is proving to upset and frustrate me beyond belief.

I know that all of the old adages apply and eventually it will happen, but what if not? And why me? And how come it appears to pick certain people and not others? And why do so many people think that it's irrelevant and not worth mourning over; the list of questions is unending, typically.

I watched an interesting Ted Talk about Depression, here is the link.

I had always thought that depression is exactly what most people think it is: a constant darkness and an unending feeling of despair, however Kevin explaining that the not knowing why you don't want to get out of bed because everything in your life is peachy, actually rang true and resonated with me. I hadn't realised it, but I have been suffering from a bout of depression...I am depressed.

I spent most of my time trying to push the upset, hurt and endless questions to the back of my mind, I spent most of my time distracting myself, projecting my issues on to silly projects and dreams of 'one day', but what if one day doesn't happen and I am still struggling to keep my head above water. I know that I have a good family and a great selection of friends, I know that my job is good, I have my health, a loving partner, etc., but I also want to cry, most days and for no real reason at all and that is what is so hard about all of this, the admittance that I am depressed.

The BIG reveal took a massive argument with Rowan while driving through Gloucestershire for me to finally admit, he had known it all along. I'm a lucky lady to have him and I thank my blessings daily.

The next step, after admitting to things is to look to fix or mend them, off to the Doctors I go...

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