I had a rather funny/strange conversation with my mum the other day: It consisted of me telling her about my helping a bitch (I happen to know) out.
It starts like this: a couple of friends and I had planned to go to the pub, this individual invited herself along - isn't that always the way?!
A couple of drinks in and the bitch seems to be getting pretty merry, she tells us about cheating on her long term boyfriend with Colin Farrell in LA (whoop de do, you whore!)...I mean come on, we all talk about our Top 5s, but how many people would actually cheat on their partners if they had the chance?! I doubt that many would, I know I couldn't. Anyway, I'm lost on a tangent... So, we continue to drink and the bitch starts to walk around and place drinks down, hardly touched, orders a new drink and then place that one down, etc...in total, she basically drank about three large reds. I appreciate this is on an empty stomach, and not everyone is as epic as I am at drinking, but if you reach your limit, stop drinking don't continue to waste money on new drinks, especially tasty large reds!
Anyhow, we get about five drinks in and she disappears. I assume she's gone out the back door of the pub, I continue to talk to the random people I've found for a bit, eventually I decide it's time to leave. Now, in this particular pub, there are three doors and two ladies lavatories (this bitch is lucky that I didn't use the lavatory I'd normally use, otherwise it could have been a much worse story for her). As I walk into the pub, I see her asleep on one of the tables. I pop to the lavatory and have to decide, do I
a) walk pass her and leave?
b) wake her up and try to get her to a taxi rank?
c) take a photo and then do either a) or b)?
Due to my parents raising my correctly, I perform b). As soon as I do, I regret it (did I mention she was dribbling?!), I wake her up and she is instantly rude to me. Fun times for me!
I support her up the road and all the way, she tells me that I'm lucky she's there to help me, she also repeatedly asks me why I'm doing this? And also is incredibly rude and horrible to every bloke who walks past, to whom I have to apologise to.
I finally get her to a cash point and she refuses to withdraw cash, at one point she tries to withdraw cash with random membership cards, she continues to throw her designer bag on the floor and empty the contents onto the pavement, which I then scramble around and pick up for her. She also starts to bitch about the fact that she can't believe that her boss didn't give her any cash for her taxi and how dare he leave her up shits creek. After about 5 minutes of this (by the way, Barclays will be having a field day if they ever watch the cctv of the cash point from that night), two guys start to wait behind us, at which point she tells them that she knows what they want and there is no way their ever going to get it. They, understandably, look horrified. I apologise profusely and move her to one side, so they can get cash out. It ends up with me, having to offer to get cash out for her. I explain that I'm at the end of my overdraft and that I'll get charge, I also explain I'd expect her to pay it. I finally flag a taxi down and put her in it, at which point she refuses to tell the taxi driver where she lives. I see this as my chance to leave - I'm free!
Side note - Dear Mr Taxi Driver, I am very sorry for leaving you in the lurch with such a horrid drunk person, but I hope you can except my apology. I'm sorry that you may have thought that I was also coming along. Please accept my apologies from the bottom of my heart.
The next time I see her, after about 2 hours I had to bring up the fact that she owed me cash. I also had to wait till the second time I saw her to a) get it and b) receive a thank you for helping her. You know what, some times good deeds just aren't worth the effort.
So, why was the conversation about this with my mum so funny?!
Firstly, once I told my mother this and she had gotten over her initial rant about 'stupid girls getting so drunk and being irresponsible', she told me that I should have taken a photo (remember, this is the woman who has instilled all of my morals).
Secondly, when I told her that I've always felt this girl wasn't very nice, and having her behave in such a way, reassured me that I had possibly been right first time round. She told me that maybe I shouldn't have bothered to help her and that some people won't learn until they end up in a situation which isn't ideal (once again, this is my moral guide?!).
Thirdly, towards the end, when I explained that I thought this particular girl may have always been over looked by her own mother and that maybe she lacked parental love and that I will always choose loving parents and a family unit over all the money in the world, my darling mother laughed and said "Oh dear, maybe I failed at raising you properly!".
Dearest Mother, you are one very funny lady!