8 weeks and 3 days

Back at the start of Summer, Rowan was told there was a new drug that his doctor wanted to put him on. We had been toying with the idea of throwing caution to the wind and starting a family. When Rowan had his second consultation about the drug in question, his nurse notified him that it would affect his sperm and could cause high risk pregnancy (possible growth issues and disorders). Rowan decided that if we were to give it a proper go, we would need a few months to try, otherwise we wouldn't be able to do so for at least 8-14 months. With this in mind, we set about removing all boundaries and just seeing how things went, Rowan put off starting the drug until Dec / Jan to give us a fair amount of time and if it didn't work by then, we would put it off until he had completed at least a six month session on the new drug.

Various contraptions were wheeled out: ovulation sticks, ph balancing sprays, positions, advice and research. We took it at face value, tried to remain calm and increased the possibility of it happening.

3 months later, Rowan received incredible news; his doctor told him that there was a brand new drug which had a better affect on MS, with zero side effects. It was a no brainer; with this in mind, we slowed down and allowed our bodies to do as they did. Miraculously in the same month I fell pregnant.

One day after I had expected my period to arrive, my boobs were swollen and I felt strangely different, that morning I told Rowan that I was going to get a test, he laughed and told me that we should wait. That lunch time I popped to Boots and found myself looking at a very faint Positive result. With my belly full of joy and my heart singing a merry tune I walked back to my desk and text my baby daddy the good news.

Once home, I took another test and again, the positive line showed up. We nickname him the 'little prick' due to me getting my words mixed up and telling Rowan that our blastocyst was the size of a pin prick, instead of pin head. A week later I confirmed it with my doctor.

We set about resting, taking everything at a slightly slower rate. We discussed names and parenting styles, followed a pregnancy app to see what was happening and everything seemed rather bloody good.

I would get occasional aches here and there but other than extremely swollen boobs, I had no real symptoms. It was the perfect pregnancy. We shared the news with good friends, I told a few people at work due to wanting to be able to talk to people about it and having people know, in case I fainted or something similar.

I noticed certain things changing: my stomach swelling, my hair thickening, my nails appeared stronger. I longed to drink wine or beer but found the idea repulsive, everything seemed perfect until this week.

On Monday, I woke up exhausted and Rowan insisted that I stay in bed. I was hesitant (since my tonsillectomy I only get paid SSP on any additional sickness), but he pointed out that there was something more important than money and I was carrying him. So that day I slept and rested up. The next day I still felt exhausted but went to work regardless as I couldn't afford to stay at home two days in a row, stupid as that seems, it was the truth.

Mid-afternoon on Tuesday, I started to develop mild cramping in my abdomen and asked to be excused from work early.

Once home the cramping increased and all I could do was lay in bed. I felt as though my period was starting and all I could do was cry. I visited the lavatory and thought my discharged looked a little darker. I put a panty liner in my knickers hoping I could see clearly if anything was up.

My hopeless state continued and I failed to calm myself down, if it wasn't about the pain, it was about the events of the day at work (potentially losing my job), if it wasn't about my job it was about potentially losing my baby, no matter what I couldn't calm down. I read various posts about bleeding while pregnant and eventually calmed down. Rowan came home and we tried to get some sleep.

At around 3am, the cramps became more intensive and I needed the lavatory. Once there I noticed a couple of brown dots in my knickers, as I looked down I noticed a bright red pool and some clots in the loo. With a heavy heart I burst in to tears, I returned to bed distraught, Rowan was instantly concerned insisting that we phoned NHS direct.

The lady at the end of 111 was very kind and calm, she helped calm me down and arranged for a GP to call me. Around 15 minutes later the GP called me directly, advising me that sleep was the best medicine and that she would book me into the EPU (Emergency Pregnancy Unit) first thing, 10 minutes later she called back confirming my appointment for 11:30am. I emailed work to notify them that I wouldn't be in and went back to a state of dazed hysteria.

Around 5pm the pain had settled on to my left side, I freaked thinking I might be experiencing an ectopic pregnancy, I called back the GP surgery and was told the GP would call me back. As I settled back into bed, I felt an almighty snap in my womb and then a rush of fluid. A couple of minutes later the GP called me back and put my mind at rest and told me if I needed too, I could visit them but they wouldn't be able to tell me anything until the scan had taken place at the EPU.

Myself and Rowan eventually managed to fall asleep.

I was woken at 8am by a call from work, I ignore it and noticed that the cramps appeared to have subsided. I eventually went to the loo, there was more bleeding and more clots but nothing too big. I called work back, explaining that I thought I may have miscarried and wouldn't be in until I knew what was going on.

Around 9am I went back to the lavatory and that was when the worst thing I could see came to view. I heard a tiny splosh and looked down to see a small sack of fluid lying in the bottom of the lavatory. The GP had asked me to collect everything I could to take to the hospital and the idea of scooping out my potential baby was soul destroying, I convinced myself it was the placenta or mucus plug and just got on with it. It was horrific and all I could do was crawl back into bed with Rowan and have a good old cry. Helpless to do anything else. I started to barter, hoping that maybe I had been carrying twins and maybe lost one, all sorts of random things came through my brain, although I knew deep down, there was no other ending for us.

Later that morning we were at the hospital for our appointment, a kind nurse called Patience talked to us, I explained everything and she said that it sounded like a miscarriage. I then presented the tiny mite to her and we were put in a quiet room to cry and console each other. About 15 minutes later a friendly faced Sonographer called Bee came to see us; she led us through and the internal examination started. She confirmed that I had had a clean miscarriage and that I seemed in full health. Patience came back to see us one last time, advising us of do's and dont's.

I am so grateful to the Woman's Health Department at Homerton University Hospital, they were extremely gentle and kind, involving Rowan in the full process and with his support I feel as though we could get through anything. I don't think I could have dealt with it alone and I have nothing but pure awe for women who do. He's been my rock from beginning to end and knowing that I have his constant support is phenomenal. I'm not the only person who experienced my miscarriage obviously, Rowan did too. He lost his potential child too and our future has changed together through this dreadful happening.

One of the hardest part about miscarriage is that it is a very common occurrence. One in four pregnancies result in it and yet we are not supposed to speak about it. I spent a lot of yesterday and today telling people about it and have found out that various friends have suffered the same fate. It seems utter madness to have such a common devastating experience be felt by so many people and yet, "shh, don't tell people".

I guess one of the biggest things is that you can feel like a failure as a woman. I instantly apologised to Rowan for failing to keep his offspring safe. I'm lucky that Rowan wouldn't accept it and kept on reminding me that it was a failure of development and wasn't anything I did or didn't do that caused it. There is still a small doubt in my mind that stress caused it but for now I have to cling to the fact that it is simply a case of bad genetics and that there was nothing I could do.

I feel that this is a subject that should be spoken about; just how abortion is more commonly mentioned in media nowadays. It's not exactly the most wonderful of subject but with the affect reaching so far, you would assume that it could be more openly discussed and people could be more openly consoled about it.

As with any loss, the grieving process is dire but you get through it because you have too. It may seem like a cliche but I feel that there is comfort in statistics, some of my friends who have had similar losses have said they found no comfort, I can not help but fear this is society letting them down by not allowing them to feel as though they can openly discuss this subject and grieve publicly.

It's a dreadful thing but it happens everyday. Nurses, like Patience and Bee, have to break this frightful news over and over, day after day to numerous different faces. I hope one day that miscarriage becomes a more approachable subject, less of the taboo that it currently is, but until that day, I will continue to discuss it in an open manner, as that is the only way I know to deal with these things.

And to our 'little prick' who we lost, I will always think of you and I'm sorry that you weren't intended for this world. Thank you for being with us while you were, we loved you so, so much.

London Taxidermy

I recently had to send an archived item from work off to be cleaned and cased, which meant I got to do lots of taxidermy searching, hoorah! I found lots of wonderful things, like a mouse on a cross - blinking charming and the below company: London Taxidermy.

All I want to do is sit next to the dress lama?! and read a book...

Rowan & his Multiple Sclerosis

About 5 hours in to first meeting Rowan, he told me he needed to tell me something very important. Not exactly something any girl wants to hear so soon on a date that is going very, very well. I assumed it would be a secret child or serving time, however it was on par but not so godly awful, he told me that two years ago he had been diagnosed with MS (multiple sclerosis).


My reaction suprised him somewhat, I shrugged and said it was fine with me. He asked me if I knew what it was and if I was sure that it wasn't an issue. I did and I was. The way I look at these things is they are what they are and once you know about them, you can learn to live with them and deal with them as best you can. Easier said that done, admittedly, but it at least knowledge gives you a heads start which is always helpful with health related issues.

In addition, knowing that someone, who is remarkable, has any illness/condition but is coping with it, doesn't make them a defect or throwaway, it means that you're aware that they, and you, could come across some difficulty along the way. It's not ideal but it could happen at any point in your relationship, who is to say that you or they won't develop some awful condition during your journey together, it is what it is. It's not as though you would divorce or break up with them due to illness. Why would you decide not to date someone when you find out they are not classified as 100% perfect.

My brother has had ME/Chronic Fatigue for over 10 years now and he still suffers some times, however he has come to terms with it and tries to deal with it as best as possible. It is what it is.
Rowan had come to terms with his diagnosis. Has a top Neurologist who looks after him and has access to the best medical help in London. He sees a nurse regularly and recently received the incredible news that he is officially in remission. Why would I decide to not date him, because he is coping with something that makes life a little harder but not impossible?!

Yes, it won't be plain sailing but who is to say that he won't find the perfect medication and we will live a perfect life after all?!



And who wants a perfect life anyhow, it sounds awfully dull!

Granny Square Blanket Commissions

If you would like a Granny Square Blanket, contact me through the above link as I'm now taking commissions. 

They are the perfect gift for an expectant mother or for your home, which you can add a personal touch to.

On average, my blankets measure to 32 rows, approximately 87cm / 34" wide.

My blankets traditionally have a slight curve to them (see above and below) and can come with a scallop edge, as optional.

They take approximately 4 weeks to make and can be made in any colours and patterns.

32 row, size 4 crochet hook, wool supplied by you: £20

32 rows, size 4 crochet hook, wool supplied by me: £30

If you would like another size blanket or stitch, I'm happy to discuss.

All of my wool is 100% acrylic, to ensure durability and ease of washing.

Post-Operation love from work

Astromelias and Roses from work

Tonsillectomy

I had my tonsils removed yesterday, after 15 months of suffering from Tonsil Stones and they are finally gone. It was a strange experience:

On the approach to the operation, people kept on asking if I was nervous, which I wasn't. My theory was that the Doctors and Nurses do these operations all of the time and I would just be considered another number, so why be nervous.

Off I went first thing yesterday morning to Homerton Hospital, spending the first 10 minutes lost in the corridors. The hospital was abandoned and empty, it was 7:30am after all. While walking aimlessly I ended up in the Maternity ward and the MRI scan unit. After two employees took pity on me I ended up in the Day Stay Unit.

After being checked in, six women were walked through to the unit, me included. We were shown to individual cubicles with some fetching robes, hairnets, disposable knickers and medical stockings - I have never looked so sexy! I spend the next hour reading magazines, answering the same questions (what's your name? What's your date of birth? Is this your address? etc.), cracking jokes to the nurses and relaxing.

Eventually I'm collected to go and meet my anaesthetic team. I walk into the smallest room known to man, which hosts 5 people and a gurny. I can't help but joke about how it reminds me of my blood test, when I passed out with one woman and woke up with 6 additional people around me.
Once again I'm asked the same questions and I advise them to add a random question in to throw the patient, this ends up confusing one of the nurses. The last thing I remember is the oxygen mask going over my face.

An hour or two later, I'm gently woken by a kind lady who tells me that all is over and wheeled around the ward to another cubicle and placed in a chair, about 5 seconds after vomiting. I then snooze and sleep for the following hour, in between having my blood pressure taken. After about an hour, the drugs which were given to me finally overcome me like a warm hug and I wake up properly.

I'm now sore, achy, tired and weak. I've not eaten all day. They call Rowan and give me some jelly. I am then moved to the TV room where I am subjected to two hours of Jeremy Kyle, which is possibly worse than my sore throat and inability to swallow. I eventually ask the nurses to call Rowan again to find that he's been waiting in reception for an hour and a half due to someones incompetence. I go to the reception to find him asking the receptionist to once again call the ward, frantic out of his mind.

We head home and I spend the rest of the day napping and sipping drinks, I takes me over an hour to drink a cup of cold soup...so this is my life now for the next two weeks: cold to tepid food and drink with no spice, roll on July 16th.

Sud de France

I have just come back from my first holiday in a very long time and I feel overly relaxed and at peace, omg! Just in time for my tonsillectomy, not so ideal but it is so...

We stayed here on our first night: Les Iles D'Or
It was a beautiful area of the Cote d'Azur, the sea was incredible, so clear and warm. I highly recommend it, there isn't much to do in the area but there was a delicious restaurant with very friendly staff and amazing food with a fabulous view of the cove. The B&B was charming and the landlady was awfully generous. She didn't speak much English and we spoke 'petit francois' but never the less we managed. She also ran us over the mountain to our Campsite the next day, stopping halfway up at numerous times to allow us to take photos of the view.

For the rest of our stay, we were staying with Eurocamp at Camping Pachacaid. We were fitted out with a fabulous 6 berth state of the art caravan, all mod cons and were welcomed by the Eurocamp staff in fabulous style.

After swimming, sleeping and drinking, we headed to the bar where we drank with the Eurocamp staff, after which we were invited to join them for their 'Eurocamp Christmas' on Wednesday night. I won't go too far into it but after celebrating Christmas with the Eurocamp monsters (legends) I've never seen Rowan so drunk! He fell over and couldn't get up, it was all rather funny and entertaining, in addition no long term harm came to him.

The only photos Rowan and I uploaded to the social media world were miserable faced photos, which kept everyone entertained, while we sunned, laughed and drank.

We visited La Mole, which is a small town near to the campsite. Not much there and no one took debit/credit cards, which made life difficult. Luckily the campsite was well equip.

We popped to St. Tropaz also but it stank of piss and had little too it. I recommend a trip to anywhere else than here. However I did take a panoramic shot of Rowan enjoying a beer in the sun there:

We spent the last few nights in Cote d'Azur at the Camping Les Palmiers, this was akin to camping at a nightclub. I wouldn't recommend the site, however the beach was extremely nice and we spent most of our time here. The caravans were cramped and uncomfortable, all in all, it was dire and tired. Everything evolved around the reception, which meant we spent most of our time queueing due to the total lack of organisation or consideration to efficiency. This didn't dampen our spirits though, we'd had a truly lovely holiday and would highly recommend two out of the three places.

We would also recommend the entire area, everyone is so friendly and relaxed. The bus drivers are not in hurries and the bar staff will allow you to finish drinking, instead of trying to kick you out as soon as they want to close.

It was bloody lovely and I can truly see why people would retire to there.

Craig the Hula Boy

At the weekend, while in Wales, Rowan's Brother in law and Sister were telling us about Craig the Hula Boy. I think I've found my new hero!

A short conversation

Rowan to me: "Do you still have those scummy old trainers?"
Me in reply: "Which ones?"

Happy Go...

The beautician who gave me a massage on Saturday kept on saying "Happy Go Larry"; I didn't have the heart to correct her but also I didn't want too, as I really liked it. I now like to think there was a massively optimistic guy which is where the saying "Happy Go Lucky" came from and he was called Larry. Maybe he lived next to Riley?!

Sir Robin Arryn

Every time Game of Thrones heads to 'The Eyrie' and the little bitch that is Sir Robin, all I see is Spleen from 'Mystery Men' walking around the screen!

 

Pregnant Emails

This week saw the greatest email from a good friend of mine arrive in my inbox, it was about her recent scan of her baby. It had me in so many stitches that I cried with laughter:

"Ok so we had the 3d scan on Saturday, which I didn’t enjoy one bit, in fact I totally disliked it, it made the baby look really odd, like an old man.  Benjamin Button came to mind!

One thing that you can tell from the piccies is that it basically looks the same as the husband, there is none of me in there at all! I would normally have to concede and admit that this was a good thing, however we have all seen the nieces that have “that” nose, I think history is repeating itself!  Oh well at least this time it will be mine and I'll be immune to how unattractive it is……….."

My only response was this:

"Firstly, please remember that all babies are generally born with the same squishy nose so you need to calm down.

Secondly, it/they/he/she will be the most beautiful baby to ever exist, or at least that is what you will both think and we will all agree accordingly, because we will also love and adore the little blighter.

Thirdly, you are the funniest person I know. This email reduced tears in my eyes and for that you rule like a mo fo!"


Roll on every scan from here to delivery...

Tonsils Go Bye Bye

I'm very pleased to announce that my referral to ENT was a positive one and I was approved for a tonsillectomy, this is a huge relief to my good self and will bring me, hopefully, a painless future (other than the initial couple of weeks post the operation). To be honest, I'm a little apprehensive, I've never been to hospital and stayed on a ward, I've never gone under general or local anaesthetic but they are all trained specialists and they do it daily so I'm sure it will be fine.

I do feel a little sorry for the nurse who took my bloods today though, as I was hot and dehydrated and passed out on her - one moment I was telling her that my hearing had gone and the next thing I'm being carried by two men (I think they were men, there was definitely one guy involved) to the couch. As I came round, it had gone from being just me and the nurse, to us and an additional 6 people - apparently they were my fan club, I didn't realise it was so close to home, I feel rather blessed.

I know the NHS get a battering at times and of course they aren't perfect but they have always treated me right and I think they do a fine job, a difficult job but a fine one none the less.

Introducing Mr & Mrs Bent

These two lovely people got married today, it was a rather bloody lovely day all in all!

Battersea Park

I went to Battersea Park today, I recommend it whole heartily. It was very pretty, has a large pond, children's play area, water fountains, band stand, yadda yadda yadda, you get the drift but seriously it is a pretty cool park, if you ignore all the idiots on the hire bikes...

I tried to take a multiple of one photo using the iPhones panaromic setting but it kind of failing, resulting in Rowan being normal to one armed to fatter to half a person.

When it works, it's awesome, when it fails, it's entertaining!

The Gower

Over Easter weekend, Rowan dragged me kicking and screaming to his homeland of The Gower Peninsula, Wales. I got to meet his Mother also, the big 'Meet and Greet', luckily his Mum is bloody lovely, as is her dog, Phoebe, who constantly wees on Rowan, much to my delight!

We had a very nice chilled evening on the Friday night hanging with Sue and Phoebe. I unfortunately wasn't able to get a photo of Phoebe, but she does this adorable pose which makes it look like she's smiling - I will get a photo next time, without fail!

Saturday saw us heading out to Tenby, we got rather near it and hit loads of traffic, just at this time Rowan's friend "Jim Tones" suggested we park at Saundersfoot and walk along the coastal path for 20 minutes to Tenby...so off we set. 20 minutes into the coastal path we realised something wasn't quite right and carried on, 40 minutes later we met some other walkers who asked us about the length of time to Saundersfoot, we had to let them down that it was about 45 minutes, they broke the news that it was another hour to Tenby.

Halfway to Tenby

Castle Sands, Tenby

One hour later we finally reach beautiful Tenby and it is really very nice...I highly recommend a day trip to the pretty sea side town. We purchased some Rock, ate some delicious Mussels, walked along the Castle Sands, looked at Caldey Island. I was ill prepared and not wearing enough layers, so due to the wind being fierce I requested that we didn't climb St Catherine's Fort at least this will leave us with something to do next time. Rowan bought some Caldey Island chocolate: made by Monks don't you know.

We headed back to Gorseinon and went to join "Jim Tones" for a Cider/Ale Festival on Wine St, Swansea. I'd heard a lot about Wine St but due to it being a Bank Holiday weekend, Wine St was pretty quiet and no fights were witnessed, much to my relief - no valley boys, kebabs, fights, etc!

Sunday witnessed us heading out to the Gower to see the life of Rowan's younger years. It's extremely pretty, I was shown a Giant's grave, a man made lake, a huge hill, the view (below), a trip down to Three Cliffs Bay and in through the valley past Pennard Castle.

Mumbles Pier in the distance

Three Cliffs Bay

Pennard Castle from a distance

That evening saw our trip end with a rather heavier than I had expected trip to the pub to meet the infamous Sam & Jess, our walk to the pub included this pretty little dance from Rowan along the way...

Babies Babies Everywhere...

Everyone I know is having a baby, therefore I've spent the last month or two crocheting away in baby blanket world...here are a couple of them that I have completed/started:

Above is one which I completed with a scallop edge for Rowan's sister, who is due in June.

Below is one which I've started in a rainbow effect for one of my best friends who is due in August.

I've also spent three days cutting up all of my remnants into quilting squares; I now have a large tin of quilting squares that I shall make an oval quilt for her new crib. I'm all rather excited all in all. Roll on more babies.

Such Views of London

Rowan was asked to house sit in Swiss Cottage on the 21st floor in a high rise for a week, I of course accompanied him and boy am I glad I did. Not only was it a lovely home, the views were spectacular!

Krakow, Poland

Over the weekend I went to Krakow on a hen do, it was a rather fun weekend all in all and I'm now basically fluent in Polish, it's a pretty easy language to pick up...if you ask me. I'm unable to report anything here, so I'll leave you all with a little innocent short montage of Krakow...

The Hen and her sister have a heart to heart

The hardcore doers party on...

Even the bottle corks are happy in Poland!

Dover

Rowan and I needed a reason to get out of London (well who doesn't!) so we had a random thought to head to Kent, I'd never been and he wanted to see the White Cliffs of Dover, so it was settled that we would head to Dover. One high speed train and one episode of Game of Thrones and we arrived.

After a little walk around, Rowan acquired a new film camera from one of the charity shops (£4 well spent), we headed to our B&B (Hubert House) to book in, the B&B didn't open until 4pm so we headed to The White Horse next door. The White Horse is a rather adorable little pub which is covered with swimmers names and times from swimming the Channel. We eventually checked in and set off for our walk along the cliffs...

Rowan and I had set a challenge to take the most dull photo possible, the photo has to be a decent shot but boring as hell. My dull photos are mostly on the camera film (which is yet to be developed) but some of my boring images are below...

I feel that they are perfectly dull and appropriate for our competition. I'm very much looking forward to the film being processed, it's unfortunate that the film is Black and White, as that always makes things slightly more interesting, damn it! Have a fence and horizon to boot!

We took a nice long walk over the cliffs to St Margaret's Bay, where we enjoyed a pint to reward ourselves. We then headed in to St Margaret's on Cliffe to find some food and an eventual taxi home. 

We ended spending too much time talking to the regulars and nearly got locked out of our B&B, luckily we made it back just in time and folded ourselves in for a restful night slightly drunk.

The next day we woke early ate breakfast and then headed back to bed, well it is Sunday afterall. Eventually we had to leave, which sucked as it was all rather nice tucked up with a warm breeze coming through the window and ventured out into the real world, we opted for Dover Castle and some tea drinking.

I can not recommend Dover Castle enough, there was plenty to look at and do, excluding the War Tunnels and Hospital Wards, which were also extremely interesting. English Heritage has renovated the castle to be similar to how it was at the height of its hey day, the roof is also open for you to enjoy the vast views of the horizon. We ended up spending 4-5 hours there all in all and as we left, I signed us up to English Heritage as members, this of course needed to be celebrated by telling my parents; who promptly ignored my text message.

Shortly after we finished there, we headed back to London; one day we'll get to spend our hours exploring and doing no work, one day...