New Years Eve 2016

This year we waited for an invite to any, all events, a letter opening even. Did we receive one? No.

During NYE 14/15 we hosted a dinner party for 12 people, invited about 16, and had a mental pissed up photo shoot in Rowan's photography studio, good times all round!

This year we were sure we would receive something, so we made no plans and waited, alas it wasn't to be. So we planned to spend it in, or at our local, potentially heading to Lambeth bridge to watch the fireworks, if we were still standing at that point. And we did just that, we had a couple of drinks at home, headed to our local drinking beer and watching the tattoo at Edinburgh Castle on TV, eventually around 11.15pm we ordered a car and headed to Lambeth Palace Bridge, however our Dickhead driver thought he knew best, choosing Kennington / Elephant & Castle which fucked me off, as that is not going to help anyone. Shockingly, he couldn't make it to LPB and turfed us out at the Imperial War Museum 'great'.

This irritated me, I hate Taxi drivers who think they know best and us mere mortals know nothing, I hate people who take advantage, I hate people who are only out for themselves and to gain, etc. Therefore as we started walking towards Waterloo (not where I wanted to be) I ranted, I ranted within an inch of my life, I ranted so much that some arsehole Policeman approached us and said 'excuse me Miss, can you stop swearing as I'd hate to have to lift you'. In my head I was dumbstruck and thinking 'Lift me? Lift me? Who on Earth says 'lift'? Did you learn the lingo from the Policeman of London handbook? Did you see it on a film and thought it made you look big and clever? Dick!', during this entire time my face must have been one of confusion, mean while Rowan says 'it's ok Officer, she's a little upset but she'll calm down now', I'm still dumbstruck. Mr Officer then says 'There are lots of families around tonight, I'd hate for one to complain and for you to spend the night in a cell', once again I'm dumbstruck and in my head chuckling now, as this guy obviously thinks he works for Sunhill in the 90's. Once again Rowan steps in and is terribly polite, he's such a legend, all the while I'm suck surprised by the whole event.

We eventually walk off and head to stand at the back of Waterloo, seeing approximately none of the full spectacle, as you can see below:

c/o instagram.com/rowan_cr2/

However the crowd were fun and it was nice to be able to say 'we saw London's NYE fireworks first hand'.

To see the spectacle in it's full glory and synchronised to music, click here!

Here's to 2016, may it be 1000 times better than shitty 2015!

The Dreaded Job Hunt

Looking for a new job is hard work, you have to scoured various websites, uploading, editing and adapting your CV time and time again, selling your personal information to the lowest bidder. After you’ve spent a couple of hours doing this, you sit back and feel accomplished, if only the entire process felt like this!

If you’re unlucky you hear nothing further, except for the occasional email rejecting you but being super kind and thanking you for thinking of them, telling you lies like “we’ll keep your details on file”, file meaning the bin.

If you’re “lucky” first thing the next day, your phone won’t stop ringing with calls from recruitment agencies wanting to check you’re a real human being. If that call goes well, you’ll then be invited to meet with them, this is so they can check that you’re presentable, it’s an unpervy first date, or so you hope. Therefore, you arrange to meet them before work (having had no sleep), on your lunch break (missing the chance to actually eat), or after work (when you’re mentally exhausted from your day job). Off you trot to meet this person who is apparently worthy to judge your every whim and word.

I was applying for Personal Assistant roles which meant that not only did I have to be presentable, organised and good at communication, it traditionally involves four Prove-It tests for Microsoft Office, a typing test, a spelling test and grammar test, oh the good old days haven’t left us yet!

The Prove-It tests are simple, however, if like me you often use shortcut keys or the right click menu, you’re going to fail every simple test:

Can you change this line of typing to italic?

“Yes I can” you scream in your brain, you automatically right click.

“No you can’t” it tells you, asking you whether you want to move to the next question because you failed that question.

“Bugger, fuck” you stammer and yet there is still the question: Next Question? You finally manage to complete that question, proving to yourself that you’re not a dumbass. And the next question loads triumphantly, while the elf that operates the test laughs uncontrollably at your stupidity.

“Can you save this document?”

“Duh, of course I can!”, and off go your fingers hitting ‘Apple S’ or ‘Ctrl S’, before you’ve even considered that your way, isn’t the tests way, and up pops that dreaded question, ‘Next Question?’

“FUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!” you seethe through gritted teeth and this is only the 4^th question, what will happen when it asks you to insert a table? Do Macros? Pivot Tables? Animate the Presentation?

You compose yourself, you gather your thoughts “What did you do when you were first plonked in front of a computer at school?”, oh yeah, you used to go through ‘File’. You click ‘Next Question?’.

“Change the heading to ‘Heading 2”, you’ve got this, you can do this, it’s easy, but wait! You need to think old school ways of navigating the programme, so you sit and think “what was the old school way of changing the heading setting? Was it always on the ribbon or was it once hidden in a drop down menu? How new is the ribbon? Have you always had these pre-set ideas of what a heading should look like or did you used to have to manually set them? And if you did use to have to manually set them, how did Microsoft decide that these were what the average user wanted? And if they did decide that, are you just a Microsoft lamb following what you’re told you need, rather than actually needing it?! WAIT! You’re off track and now probably look like you have no idea how to change the heading, these tests are timed, oh god! You select the heading option on the ribbon and the next question loads, was that a fluke you ponder?!

Eventually you realise that there is no proper way of doing these tests, as they are a pointless waste of time, created to prove that you can turn a computer on and open, save, edit a document. The sweaty palms and fear of the unknown is all a waste.

You ace the typing test until you reach the end, when you’re told that you type at the speed as an OAP with arthritis in their hands and only have an accuracy of 60%.

Onwards you press, you won’t let them get you down…the spelling test: Independent / Independant / Indapendent

Balls, does Independent have all ‘e’s in it or are there ‘a’s too?! Hang on, you were on the newspaper with the same name’s website earlier, how was it spelt? Bugger, it has an ‘a’, it definitely has an ‘a’, doesn’t it? You chew through the end of the pen you’ve been given, now you can’t give it back and will look like a thief, this is going from worse to worser, is that a word? What are words? Who decided what they were and how they were spelt? You know Shakespeare created a load of them “damn you Shakespeare” you cry, but does “Shakespeare” have that many ‘e’s and ‘a’s? FUCK! You resign to the fact that you’re going to look bloody stupid with all of these terrible results, you move to the grammar test and start circling everything…double spaces, indentations, the sign off at the end, the word in bold, you circle everything so much so that it look like a teacher assessing the work of a dumbass 5 year old, in your face child who can’t write or read.

Eventually, you meet with the agent and instantly start with your disclaimers “I totally blanked”, “I use shortcut keys”, “my dog ate my homework”, “Derek Drew did it Miss”. They laugh, they’ve heard it all before and couldn’t care less, they just want to make sure that your Mum didn’t apply for the job for you, writing your CV and cover letter. I’m not sure what is actually wrong with that, she may have helped, she’s good at the English malarkey and stuff.

You sit and have a casual chat, you’ve now lulled you into a social calm, you slouch, tell the truth, laugh and stop yourself from saying inappropriate witty one liners which your friends would crease up at. You decide that this person is the best person in the world, you almost want to invite them for a pint, you don’t but you feel such a connection. After all that, you head back off to work or head home. You realise you’re very tired, being the BEST you, is hard and knackering. You reward yourself with a pint and pyjamas.

Depending on the agency, depends on what happens to next:

The Agency who puts you forward for EVERY job, whether you’re experienced or not, whether the money is what you had hoped for, whether it is even in the right field.

The Agency who wants you to do the job for them, asking you to constantly check their website and let them know if you’re interested in a particular role.

The Agency who calls every day with various potential things that you never hear any more about said role.

The Agency who remembers you exist 3 months later when you’ve found a new role and let them know so.

Oh there are endless agencies and they all have their ways, some are great, some are terrible, some are fun to talk to, and some are bloody good at what they do. These are the agencies you hope to find, as you internet date your way through them all, applying for this job and that…hoping that you end up in a nice company with normal people and get paid reasonably well for it.

Tube Drivers vs Bus Drivers

Once again everyone within the M25 stressed and over-reacted about having to consider an alternative route to work, or (if my office is anything to go by) everyone chose to work from their sofa while in their PJs (I wish I was on my sofa in my PJs).

This morning there were less people, less moaning and everyone seemed in pretty good moods, it was tres nice; however whenever anyone does mention the strike the first topic they go to is that the Tube Drivers are well paid and do very little on the grand scheme of things. I don’t think that we should even be talking about them, I think we should be discussing the people who step up and work extra shifts and cope with added bollocks due to the strikes, therefore I am dedicating this post to all of those people.

This morning I saw:

• The Police directing, advising and managing people, enquiries and bus queues (a nice little extra  line on the CV under ‘crowd control’, ‘bus queue management’, it’s a skilled job and someone has to do it). Well done to the Police.
•  National Rail Staff (and potentially some TFL workers) were out in force at Victoria Station (and probably elsewhere) handing out alternative travel leaflets and advising us ‘lost London idiots’ on how to cross a road and not get run over. Well done you guys!
• BUT, most of all I want to send out a HUGE thank you to the Bus Drivers. Over the years I have often pondered on who has the shittier job: Tube Drivers or Bus Drivers, and I always come to the same conclusion, Bus Drivers. They have to contend with the general public face to face, the general public who are still trying to buy bus tickets with cash, who are drunk, who are morons, who are rude and demanding; anyone who has worked with the general public (in a shop, bar, at events, etc.) can contest that we are generally dumb selfish arseholes, this in itself is an awful prospect and something the Tube Drivers don’t have to content with during their average working days. Add to that, suicidal Cyclists, who think they are participating in the Tour De London, and moronic Pedestrians, who think that the bus won’t hit them, ever; Taxi Drivers who believe they rule the roads and, once again, the general public who drive cars this time, and have no idea where they are going and you’ve got a Godly awful job. Then add that their routes can change at the drop of the hat and they’ve got to just go with it, say what?! And during industrial action by Tube workers the bus companies put on more services, BOOM! We’ve got ourselves some people who need appreciation, kind words and a MASSIVE shout out!

So to all your grumpy Bus Drivers out there, and we know you’ve every right to be grumpy (look at the list above), we appreciate your efforts and feel you deserve some mega London love, instead of the usual night bus’s drunken passengers trying to pay with their burgers and leaving you vomit as a memento! Keep up the great work!

PS I am sure there are 100 other groups of people who I should be thanking but there is no need to go over board with this post...however, great work guys and gals!

Tube Strike

Having walked into my temping job today, (it took about one hour and was extremely pleasant, much nicer than getting the tube) I really don't see one day of mild inconvenience a problem. The main issue with Industrial Action is the fact that the general public only hear "tube strikes, over paid idiots revolt", it's never the actual facts of why or what?! The other issue is the divide between public and private sector, my generation (especially) do not understand the merits of Unions and Industrial Action, one comment I heard this morning was in regards to HSBC laying off employees and complaining that none of those employees are striking, well if they had the support of a Union, maybe they could or would, but does striking ever work?!

My observation and experience of striking is that those who strike never get what they want, the bosses make empty promises and then walk away. Look at the Scottish referendum as an example of how it should work, and yet Parliament are still trying to stiff the Scots by backing out of their wild and desperate attempts to woo the people into staying in Britain. Luckily they were caught on camera making maddening promises and therefore have been shamed by the press into keeping most of them. But the Union talks aren't filmed and the promises are half arsed and intended to bend the wills of the people at the bottom of the chain, once the Industrial Action is over, the bosses walk away washing their hands of the promises and chuckling to themselves about what idiots the little people are...

The previous LU strikes last year in regards to the ticket office closures and redundancies did nothing, a skeleton service was run, TFL and LU promised to revise the plans and low and behold in every station we now witness ticket offices being closed, the walls being tiled and the machines offering customer service to the general public in need. And I still support those strikers and worry for the stations on the outskirts of London where the machines are often broken and the staff are over worked and unable to offer alternatives to abandoned commuters.

Being told that you have to work nights, weekends, drop your personal plans at 24 hours notice to service the general public all for a pay increase of 0.75% isn't fair and yes, I am aware that the private sector may have these rules also and they've no choice but to abide, but this is why Unions exist. You may not agree with them, you may not understand them, but they offer support, assistance and care to the members and the members families and will continue to do so.

This morning, I thanked the strikers outside Stockwell station for supplying a daily service which most people take for granted. You may not agree with striking and maybe it doesn't get the outcome the Unions want but what it does do is highlight how much for granted we take certain services and individuals, it highlights the fact that numerous businesses make promises on behalf of their staff and then expect the staff to adhere and roll over.

Today we all got to see parts of London we wouldn't normally see. We got to find out that London really isn't that big and you can walk across it quite easily. I got to see Buckingham Palace, a guy riding his kid's scooter, two guys in suits on a Vespa and took in the sights of the River Thames from Vauxhall Bridge. Some people will have had the chance to work from home, getting an extra hour of sleep due to not commuting. Today is a day to celebrate, all businesses know problems may occur so are more relaxed. We all got to have a slower start to the day and got to take in some of the sights of London.
If nothing more, Tube Strikes should cause comradery and should encourage you to realise how easy life can be when everything runs like clock work, they are a secret old world blessing, which allows you to take five seconds out and breath.