New Housie Required

I need a new housemate, sorry, we need a new housemate.
When searching for a new housie, a lot of things have to be researched, it's hard.
Firstly, you all have to get along with the person, it's better for it to be someone you know of or occasionally see but aren't good good friends with, as most good friendships can be broken by the simplicity of living together.
Secondly, they have to be respectable people but you can't tell this until they've lived with you for a short while, by which point it's too late and you can't kick them out.
Thirdly, all the shit that comes afterwards is just learning curves but we will find someone, I'm sure we will. At least this time round, it's about the time people are looking for new digs, instead of over Christmas.

Whatever, it's all about selling yourself and justifying how your choice in home.

I've posted a little advert in my status on Facebook. I've been rather straight forward and quirky:
New Housie required. £300 a month, plus bills for a charming single bedroom in one of the greatest houses in East Oxford. Fabulous Roomies and a rather fantastic location. Available from November 5th. All enquires contact: Me, Mr Food aka Dave Chicken, The Aussie aka Nina or Chips Mahomeo aka Tom Reynolds! See I told you we were fun!

What I'd love to write is more of an essay but totally impractical and probably far too honest:
One single room near to the Cowley Road, with storage on the landing. £300 a month with bills exclusive. Privately rented direct from Landlord, who is rather marvellous, he's great!
Morning sunlight to wake you from slumber, with the calming sound of the whale song.
Kitchen/sitting room in one, no more requirement to open doors between rooms, we've the uni-room. We're also expecting a new set of kitchen cabinets to be fitted soon - how swanky can we get?
Washing machine, fridges and even a cooker - how far out are we?! No microwave though, as we are protecting you against crazy cancer causing rays, which will rot your brain. Quaint raised garden with washing line for your every drying desires.
Internet available with digital TV for your personal entertainment, as long as you like bad American reality TV or shit shows about vampires. Wrestling and Hollyoaks fan appreciated.
If all else fails, you'll get a private DVD hire from me, as long as you respect them and return when necessary, what more could you want than a free DVD hire and occasional late fees!
Bathroom to be shared with two ladies and it's newly tiled for easy slip sliding.
Ironing board and iron available to flatten out all of the creases in your life. If you've no idea how to clean, I can always teach you. We enjoy recycling and by that I mean, I supply all of the necessary items to do so effortlessly and easily, with the weekly complaint from me about getting it wrong, this is for your entertainment also.
We are a smoking household but could keep it to our bedrooms if need be. Friends of Gary, are friends of ours.
If you're lucky, you'll inevitably end up on the Wall of Fame - Come and live with us!
P.S. I'm the uncoolest member of my house so it you find this funny, you probably don't fit in. Bad luck! Although, I totally think you're grand!